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Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.
55In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace
and Coram.
Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself “Armigero”
1010in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation—
“Armigero!”
Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years.
All his successors gone before him hath
1515done ’t, and all his ancestors that come after him
may. They may give the dozen white luces in their
coat.
It is an old coat.
The dozen white louses do become an old
2020coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar
beast to man and signifies love.
The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an
old coat.
I may quarter, coz.
2525You may, by marrying.
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Not a whit.
Yes, py ’r Lady. If he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
3030simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compromises
between you.
3535The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There
is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear
a riot. Take your visaments in that.
4040Ha! O’ my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it. And there is also another device in my prain,
which peradventure prings goot discretions with
4545it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master
Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity.
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair
and speaks small like a woman?
It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just
5050as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of
moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon
his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our
5555pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between
Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound?
Ay, and her father is make her a petter
6060penny.
I know the young gentlewoman. She has
good gifts.
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is
goot gifts.
6565Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
there?
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I
do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech
7070you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat
the door for Master Page. He knocks. What ho?
Got pless your house here.
Who’s there?
Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and
7575Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender,
that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.
I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you
for my venison, Master Shallow.
8080Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much
good do it your good heart! I wished your venison
better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress
Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la,
with my heart.
8585Sir, I thank you.
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
9090It could not be judged, sir.
You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your
fault. ’Tis a good dog.
A cur, sir.
9595Sir, he’s a good dog and a fair dog. Can there
be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here?
Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good
office between you.
100100It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
He hath wronged me, Master Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not
that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed
105105he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert
Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged.
Here comes Sir John.
Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me
to the King?
110110Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
But not kissed your keeper’s daughter.
Tut, a pin. This shall be answered.
I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
115115That is now answered.
The Council shall know this.
’Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel. You’ll be laughed at.
Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.
120120Good worts? Good cabbage!—Slender, I
broke your head. What matter have you against
me?
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
125125Nym, and Pistol.
You Banbury cheese!
Ay, it is no matter.
How now, Mephostophilus?
Ay, it is no matter.
130130Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that’s my humor.
Where’s Simple, my man?
Can you tell, cousin?
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
135135that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page);
and there is myself (fidelicet myself); and the three
party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter.
We three to hear it and end it between them.
Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my
140140notebook, and we will afterwards ’ork upon the
cause with as great discreetly as we can.
Pistol.
He hears with ears.
The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this,
145145“He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber
again else—of seven groats in mill-sixpences,
150150and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two
shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by
these gloves.
Is this true, Pistol?
No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.
155155Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—Sir John and
master mine, I combat challenge of this latten
bilbo.—Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of
denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
By these gloves, then ’twas
160160he.
Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say
“marry trap with you” if you run the nuthook’s
humor on me. That is the very note of it.
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it.
165165For, though I cannot remember what I did when
you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
ass.
What say you, Scarlet and John?
Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman
170170had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
It is “his five senses.” Fie, what the ignorance
is!
And being fap, sir, was, as
they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the
175175careers.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no
matter. I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be
drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of
180180God, and not with drunken knaves.
So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen.
You hear it.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We’ll drink
185185within.
O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.How now, Mistress Ford?
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met. By your leave, good mistress.
190190Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.—Come, we
have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
I had rather than forty shillings I had my
book of here!
Enter Simple.
195195How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must
wait on myself, must I? You have not the about you, have you?
? Why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
200200afore Michaelmas?
Come, coz; come, coz. We stay
for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz:
there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made
afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?
205205Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.
Nay, but understand me.
So I do, sir.
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I
210210will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I
pray you, pardon me. He’s a Justice of Peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
215215But that is not the question. The question is
concerning your marriage.
Ay, there’s the point, sir.
Marry, is it, the very point of it—to Mistress
Anne Page.
220220Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.
But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of
225225the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid?
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
230230Nay, Got’s lords and His ladies! You must
speak positable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her.
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?
235235I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.
What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the
maid?
240240I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when
we are married and have more occasion to know
one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow
245245more content. But if you say “Marry her,” I will
marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely.
It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is
in the ’ord “dissolutely.” The ’ort is, according to
250250our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
Enter Anne Page.
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.—Would I
were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.
255255The dinner is on the table. My father desires
your Worships’ company.
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
’Od’s plessèd will, I will not be absence at
the grace.
260260Will ’t please your Worship to come
in, sir?
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very
well.
The dinner attends you, sir.
265265I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. (To
Simple.) Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go
wait upon my cousin Shallow. (Simple exits.) A
Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
270270yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet
I live like a poor gentleman born.
I may not go in without your Worship. They will
not sit till you come.
I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much
275275as though I did.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence—three veneys for a
280280dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ th’ town?
I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
285285at it as any man in England. You are afraid if
you see the bear loose, are you not?
Ay, indeed, sir.
That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken
290290him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women
have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But
women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored
rough things.
Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for
295295you.
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
come.
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
300300Come on, sir.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on.
Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do
you that wrong.
305305I pray you, sir.
I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’
house which is the way. And there dwells one Mistress
310Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse,
or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry—his
5washer and his wringer.
Well, sir.
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter
315(handing him a paper), for it is a ’oman that altogether’s
acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page;
10and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit
your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
you, be gone. I will make an end of my dinner;
320there’s pippins and cheese to come.
Mine Host of the Garter!
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and
wisely.
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
5325my followers.
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
10330Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
Do so, good mine Host.
I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
15335Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
20340wield?
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
25345unskillful singer; he kept not time.
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
30350Why, then, let kibes ensue.
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.
Young ravens must have food.
Which of you know Ford of this town?
35355I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
Two yards and more.
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
40360waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
45365and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
The anchor is deep. Will that
50370humor pass?
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
55375The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
60380parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
65385I thank thee for that humor.
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
70390too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
75395Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
80400reputation.
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
85405Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
90410Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
Wilt thou revenge?
By welkin and her star!
95415With wit or steel?
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
100420His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
105425my true humor.
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
What, John Rugby! (Enter John
Rugby.) I pray thee, go to the casement and see if
430you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming.
If he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the
5house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience
and the King’s English.
I’ll go watch.
435Go, and we’ll have a posset for ’t
soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal
10fire. (Rugby exits.) An honest, willing, kind fellow
as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I
warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate. His
440worst fault is that he is given to prayer. He is something
peevish that way, but nobody but has his
15fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your
name is?
Ay, for fault of a better.
445And Master Slender’s your master?
Ay, forsooth.
20Does he not wear a great round
beard like a glover’s paring knife?
No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face,
450with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colored beard.
A softly-sprited man, is he not?
25Ay, forsooth. But he is as tall a man of his
hands as any is between this and his head. He hath
fought with a warrener.
455How say you? O, I should remember
him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were,
30and strut in his gait?
Yes, indeed, does he.
Well, heaven send Anne Page no
460worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do
what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and
35I wish—
Out, alas! Here comes my master.
We shall all be shent.—Run in here,
465good young man. Go into this closet. He will not
stay long. (Simple exits.) What, John Rugby!
40John! What, John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for
my master. I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home.Rugby exits.
470(She sings.) And down, down, adown ’a, etc.
Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys.
45Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boîtier
vert, a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak?
A green-a box.
475Ay, forsooth. I’ll fetch it you.
(Aside.) I am glad he went not in himself. If he
50had found the young man, he would have been
horn-mad.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
480m’en vais à la cour—la grande affaire.
Is it this, sir?
55Oui, mets-le à mon pocket. Dépêche,
quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?
What, John Rugby, John!
Enter Rugby.485Here, sir.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
60Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after
my heel to the court.
’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
490By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s
me! Qu’ai-j’oublié? Dere is some simples in my
65closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave
behind.
Ay me! He’ll find the young man
495there, and be mad!
O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy!
70Larron! (Pulling out Simple.) Rugby, my
rapier!
Good master, be content.
500Wherefore shall I be content-a?
The young man is an honest man.
75What shall de honest man do in my
closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in
my closet.
505I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic.
Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me
80from Parson Hugh.
Vell?
Ay, forsooth. To desire her to—
510Peace, I pray you.
Peace-a your tongue.—Speak-a your
85tale.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page
515for my master in the way of marriage.
This is all, indeed, la! But I’ll ne’er
90put my finger in the fire, and need not.
Sir Hugh send-a you?—
Rugby, baille me some paper.—Tarry you a little-a
520while.
I am glad he is so
95quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But
notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master
525what good I can. And the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master—I may call him my
100master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash,
wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink,
make the beds, and do all myself—
530’Tis a great charge to come
under one body’s hand.
105Are you advised o’
that? You shall find it a great charge. And to be up
early and down late. But notwithstanding—to tell
535you in your ear; I would have no words of it—my
master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page.
110But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind.
That’s neither here nor there.
You, jack’nape,
540give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By gar, it is a
shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park, and I will
115teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or
make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry
here.—By gar, I will cut all his two stones. By gar,
545he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
120It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a
me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine
550Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar,
I will myself have Anne Page.
125Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall
be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What
the goodyear!
555Rugby, come to the court with me. (To
Mistress Quickly.) By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
130I shall turn your head out of my door.—Follow my
heels, Rugby.
You shall have Anne—
Caius and Rugby exit.
560fool’s head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind
for that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more
135of Anne’s mind than I do, nor can do more than I
do with her, I thank heaven.
Who’s within there, ho?
565Who’s there, I trow? Come near the
house, I pray you.
140How now, good woman? How dost thou?
The better that it pleases your good
Worship to ask.
570What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and
145honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I
can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.
Shall I do any good, think’st thou? Shall I not
575lose my suit?
Troth, sir, all is in His hands above.
150But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn
on a book she loves you. Have not your Worship a
wart above your eye?
580Yes, marry, have I. What of that?
Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good
155faith, it is such another Nan! But, I detest, an honest
maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s
talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that
585maid’s company. But, indeed, she is given too
much to allicholy and musing. But, for you,—well,
160go to.
Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s
money for thee. (He hands her money.) Let me
590have thy voice in my behalf. If thou see’st her before
me, commend me.
165Will I? I’ faith, that we will. And I
will tell your Worship more of the wart the next
time we have confidence, and of other wooers.
595Well, farewell. I am in great haste now.
Farewell to your Worship.
(Fenton exits.)
170Truly an honest gentleman—but Anne loves him
not, for I know Anne’s mind as well as another
does. Out upon ’t! What have I forgot?
600What, have I ’scaped love letters in
the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a
subject for them? Let me see.
She reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love
5use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for
605his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go
to, then, there’s sympathy. You are merry; so am I.
Ha, ha, then, there’s more sympathy. You love sack,
and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let
10it suffice thee, Mistress Page—at the least, if the love
610of soldier can suffice—that I love thee. I will not say
pity me—’tis not a soldier-like phrase—but I say love
me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
15By day or night,
615Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight,
John Falstaff.
20What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked
620world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked—with the devil’s name!—out of my conversation,
25that he dares in this manner assay me?
625Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill
in the Parliament for the putting down of men.
30How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I
630will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to
your house.
And, trust me, I was coming to you.
35You look very ill.
635Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that. I have to
show to the contrary.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show
40you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some
640counsel.
What’s the matter, woman?
O woman, if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honor!
45Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor.
645What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it?
If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment or so, I could be knighted.
What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These
50knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter
650the article of thy gentry.
We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive
how I might be knighted. (She gives a paper
to Mistress Page, who reads it.) I shall think the
55worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
655difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not
swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such
orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness
that I would have sworn his disposition
60would have gone to the truth of his words. But
660they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of
What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore
65at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
665think the best way were to entertain him with hope
till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his
own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Letter for letter, but that the name of
70Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this
670mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin brother of
thy letter. (She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who
reads it.) But let thine inherit first, for I protest
mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of
75these letters writ with blank space for different
675names—sure, more—and these are of the second
edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he
cares not what he puts into the press, when he
would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie
80under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty
680lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Why, this is the very same—the very
hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
Nay, I know not. It makes me almost
85ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain
685myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in
me that I know not myself, he would never have
boarded me in this fury.
90“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to
690keep him above deck.
So will I. If he come under my hatches,
I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him.
Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of
95comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited
695delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine
Host of the Garter.
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him that may not sully the chariness of our
100honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It
700would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Why, look where he comes, and my
good man too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am
from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an
105unmeasurable distance.
705You are the happier woman.
Let’s consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither.
Well, I hope it be not so.
110Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.
710Sir John affects thy wife.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford.
115He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
715Love my wife?
With liver burning hot. Prevent,
Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he,
With Ringwood at thy heels.
120O, odious is the name!
720What name, sir?
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by
night.
125Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do
725sing.—
Away, Sir Corporal Nym.—Believe it, Page. He
speaks sense.
I will be patient. I will find out this.
130And this is true. I like not the humor of
730lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I
should have borne the humored letter to her; but I
have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.
135My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch.
735’Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your
wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and
cheese. Adieu.
“The humor of it,” quoth he? Here’s a fellow
140frights English out of his wits.
740I will seek out Falstaff.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting
rogue.
If I do find it—well.
145I will not believe such a Cataian, though
745the priest o’ th’ town commended him for a true
man.
’Twas a good sensible fellow—well.
Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward.How now, Meg?
150Whither go you, George? Hark you.
They talk aside.
750How now, sweet Frank? Why
art thou melancholy?
I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you
home. Go.
155Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy
755head now.—Will you go, Mistress Page?
Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner,
George? (Aside to Mistress Ford.) Look who
comes yonder.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
160She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
760Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it.
You are come to
see my daughter Anne?
Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does
165good Mistress Anne?
765Go in with us and see. We have an
hour’s talk with you.
How now, Master Ford?
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
170Yes, and you heard what the other told me?
770Do you think there is truth in them?
Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded
175men, very rogues, now they be out of service.
775Were they his men?
Marry, were they.
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter?
180Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
780toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let
it lie on my head.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath
185to turn them together. A man may be too confident.
785I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot
be thus satisfied.
Look where my ranting Host of the Garter
comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money
190in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now,
790mine Host?
How now, bullyrook? Thou ’rt a gentleman.—
Cavaleiro Justice, I say!
I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even
195and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will
795you go with us? We have sport in hand.
Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between
Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French
200doctor.
800Good mine Host o’ th’ Garter, a word with you.
What say’st thou, my bullyrook?
The Host and Ford talk aside.
Will you go with us to behold it?
My merry Host hath had the measuring of their
205weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary
805places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
Hast thou no suit against my knight,
my guest cavalier?
210None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of
810burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Brook—only for a jest.
My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and
regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be
215Brook. It is a merry knight. (To Shallow and
Page.) 815Will you go, ameers?
Have with you, mine Host.
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
220Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these
820times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados,
and I know not what. ’Tis the heart, Master
Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with
my long sword I would have made you four tall
225fellows skip like rats.
825Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold
than fight.
Though Page be a secure fool and stands so
230firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my
830opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s
house, and what they made there I know not. Well,
I will look further into ’t, and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my
235labor. If she be otherwise, ’tis labor well bestowed.
835I will not lend thee a penny.
Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I
with sword will open.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
5should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated
840upon my good friends for three reprieves for you
and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had
looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons.
I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my
10friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows.
845And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan, I took ’t upon mine honor thou hadst it not.
Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
15Reason, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll
850endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go—a short
knife and a throng—to your manor of Pickt-hatch,
go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You
20stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable
855baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes,
leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to
25shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
860will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating
oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will
not do it? You?
30I do relent. What would thou more of man?
Enter Robin.865Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.Give your Worship good morrow.
Good morrow, goodwife.
35Not so, an ’t please your Worship.
870Good maid, then.
I’ll be sworn—as my mother was,
the first hour I was born.
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
40Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a
875word or two?
Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I
45pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell
880with Master Doctor Caius.
Well, on. “Mistress Ford,” you say—
Your Worship says very true. I pray
your Worship, come a little nearer this ways.
50I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own
885people, mine own people.
Are they so? God bless them and
make them His servants!
Well, “Mistress Ford”—what of her?
55Why, sir, she’s a good creature.
890Lord, Lord, your Worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven
forgive you and all of us, I pray!
“Mistress Ford”—come, “Mistress Ford”—
Marry, this is the short and the long
60of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as
895’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I
65warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
900gift after gift, smelling so sweetly—all musk—and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in
such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
70woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could
905never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty
angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels
in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get
75her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
910them all. And yet there has been earls—nay, which
is more, pensioners—but, I warrant you, all is one
with her.
But what says she to me? Be brief, my good
80she-Mercury.
915Marry, she hath received your letter,
for the which she thanks you a thousand times,
and she gives you to notify that her husband will
be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
85Ten and eleven?
920Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very
90jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with
925him, good heart.
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to
her. I will not fail her.
Why, you say well. But I have another
95messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page
930hath her hearty commendations to you too; and,
let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil
modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss
you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
100whoe’er be the other. And she bade me tell
935your Worship that her husband is seldom from
home, but she hopes there will come a time. I
never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I
think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth.
105Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of
940my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Blessing on your heart for ’t!
But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife
and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they
110love me?
945That were a jest indeed! They have
not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed!
But Mistress Page would desire you to send her
your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a
115marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly,
950Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list—all is as she
120will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a
955kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page, no remedy.
Why, I will.
Nay, but do so then, and, look you,
125he may come and go between you both. And in any
960case have a nayword, that you may know one another’s
mind, and the boy never need to understand
anything; for ’tis not good that children
should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,
130have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
965Fare thee well. Commend me to them both.
There’s my purse. (He gives her money.) I am yet
thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. (Mistress
Quickly and Robin exit.) This news distracts
135me.
970This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.
Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I’ll
140make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
975they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.
145Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below
980would fain speak with you and be acquainted with
you, and hath sent your Worship a morning’s
draught of sack.
Brook is his name?
150Ay, sir.
985Call him in. Such Brooks are welcome to
me that o’erflows such liquor.(Bardolph exits.)
Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed
you? Go to. Via!
155God bless you, sir.
990And you, sir. Would you speak with me?
I make bold to press with so little
preparation upon you.
You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us
160leave, drawer.
995Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much. My name is Brook.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
165Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not
1000to charge you, for I must let you understand I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are, the which hath something emboldened me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
170go before, all ways do lie open.
1005Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Troth, and I have a bag of money
here troubles me. He sets it down. If you will help
to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me
175of the carriage.
1010Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me
the hearing.
180Speak, good Master Brook. I shall be glad
1015to be your servant.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will
be brief with you—and you have been a man long
known to me, though I had never so good means
185as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I
1020shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good
Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
190of your own, that I may pass with a reproof
1025the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to
be such an offender.
Very well, sir. Proceed.
There is a gentlewoman in this
195town—her husband’s name is Ford.
1030Well, sir.
I have long loved her and, I protest
to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with
a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to
200meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but
1035niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely to
many to know what she would have given. Briefly,
I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which
205hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever
1040I have merited, either in my mind or in my
means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless
experience be a jewel. That I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say
210this:
1045“Love like a shadow flies when substance love
pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.”
Have you received no promise of satisfaction
215at her hands?
1050Never.
Have you importuned her to such a
purpose?
Never.
220Of what quality was your love, then?
1055Like a fair house built on another
man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by
mistaking the place where I erected it.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to
225me?
1060When I have told you that, I have
told you all. Some say that though she appear honest
to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her
mirth so far that there is shrewd construction
230made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my
1065purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and
235learned preparations.
1070O, sir!
Believe it, for you know it. There is
money. (He points to the bag.) Spend it, spend
it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so
240much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an
1075amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife.
Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you.
If any man may, you may as soon as any.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
245your affection that I should win what you would
1080enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
O, understand my drift. She dwells
so securely on the excellency of her honor that the
250folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
1085bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to
her with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves. I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
255her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand
1090other her defenses, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to ’t, Sir
John?
Master Brook, I will first
260make bold with your money; next, give me your
1095hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if
you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
O, good sir!
I say you shall.
265Want no money, Sir John; you shall
1100want none.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you
shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you,
by her own appointment. Even as you came in to
270me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I
1105say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for
at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night. You
shall know how I speed.
275I am blessed in your acquaintance.
1110Do you know Ford, sir?
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They
say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of
280money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored.
1115I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest home.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you
might avoid him if you saw him.
285Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
1120will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the
cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
290lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s
1125a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master
Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold.
Come to me soon at night.
What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My
295heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
1130this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent
to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made.
Would any man have thought this? See the hell of
having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my
300coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And
1135I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but
stand under the adoption of abominable terms,
and by him that does me this wrong. Terms,
names! “Amaimon” sounds well, “Lucifer” well,
305“Barbason” well; yet they are devils’ additions, the
1140names of fiends. But “Cuckold,” “Wittoll,” “Cuckold”!
The devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will
not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with
310my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my
1145cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or
a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife
with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
315hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
1150but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy!
Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this,
detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh
at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon
320than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold,
1155cuckold!
Jack Rugby.
Sir?
Vat is the clock, Jack?
’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
51160to meet.
By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no
come. He has pray his Pible well dat he is no come.
By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be
come.
101165He is wise, sir. He knew your Worship would
kill him if he came.
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I
vill kill him.
151170Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Villainy, take your rapier.
Forbear. Here’s company.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, and Host.God bless thee, bully doctor!
God save you, Master Doctor Caius!
201175Now, good Master Doctor!
Give you good morrow, sir.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for?
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;
251180to see thee here, to see thee there; to see
thy pass, thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says
my Aesculapius, my Galien, my heart of elder, ha?
301185Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de
vorld. He is not show his face.
Thou art a Castalion King Urinal Hector of
Greece, my boy!
351190I pray you, bear witness that me have
stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is
no come.
He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you
401195should fight, you go against the hair of your professions.—
Is it not true, Master Page?
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old
451200and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger
itches to make one. Though we are justices and
doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of
women, Master Page.
501205’Tis true, Master Shallow.
It will be found so, Master Page.—Master
Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a
wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself
551210a wise and patient churchman. You must go with
me, Master Doctor.
Pardon, guest Justice. (To Caius.) A word,
Monsieur Mockwater.
“Mockvater”? Vat is dat?
601215“Mockwater,” in our English tongue, is “valor,”
bully.
By gar, then I have as much mockvater
as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar,
me vill cut his ears.
651220He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
“Clapper-de-claw”? Vat is dat?
That is, he will make thee amends.
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me, for, by gar, me vill have it.
701225And I will provoke him to ’t, or let him wag.
Me tank you for dat.
And moreover, bully—(He draws Shallow, Page,
and Slender aside.) But first, Master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
751230through the town to Frogmore.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
He is there. See what humor he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do
well?
801235We will do it.
Adieu, good Master
Doctor.
By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak
for a jackanape to Anne Page.
851240Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold
water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me
through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and
thou shalt woo her. Cried game! Said I well?
901245By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I
love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest:
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my
patients.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward
951250Anne Page. Said I well?
By gar, ’tis good. Vell said.
Let us wag, then.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
They exit.
I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman
1255and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic?
5Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward,
every way; Old Windsor way, and every way but
1260the town way.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
10I will, sir.
He exits.
Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and
1265trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived
me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good
15opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!
(Sings.)
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
1270Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
20To shallow—
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
(Sings.)
1275Melodious birds sing madrigals—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
25To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
1280Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
He’s welcome.
(Sings.)
To shallow rivers, to whose falls—
30Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
1285Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from
Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it
35in your arms.
How now, Master Parson? Good morrow,
1290good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice,
and a good student from his book, and it is
wonderful.
40Ah, sweet Anne Page!
God save you, good Sir Hugh!
1295God pless you from His mercy sake, all of
you!
What, the sword and the word? Do you
45study them both, Master Parson?
And youthful still—in your doublet and hose
1300this raw rheumatic day?
There is reasons and causes for it.
We are come to you to do a good office, Master
50Parson.
Fery well. What is it?
1305Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience that
55ever you saw.
I have lived fourscore years and upward. I
1310never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning
so wide of his own respect.
What is he?
60I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
1315Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Why?
65He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates
and Galen—and he is a knave besides, a cowardly
1320knave as you would desires to be acquainted
withal.
I warrant you, he’s the man should
70fight with him.
O, sweet Anne Page!
1325It appears so by his weapons. Keep them
asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius.
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
75So do you, good Master Doctor.
Disarm them, and let them question. Let them
1330keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
I pray you, let-a me speak
a word with your ear. Verefore vill you not
80meet-a me?
Pray you, use your patience.
1335(Aloud.) In good time.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
85Pray you, let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men’s humors. I desire
1340you in friendship, and I will one way or other
make you amends. (Aloud.) By Jeshu, I will knog
your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.
90Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer,
have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not,
1345at de place I did appoint?
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this
is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine
95Host of the Garter.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
1350soul-curer and body-curer!
Ay, dat is very good, excellent.
Peace, I say! Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am
100I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and
1355the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my
Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. (To Caius.) Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
105so. (To Sir Hugh.) Give me thy hand, celestial;
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I
1360have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be
the issue. (To Page and Shallow.) Come, lay their
110swords to pawn. (To Caius and Sir Hugh.) Follow
me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.
1365Afore God, a mad Host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
O, sweet Anne Page!
Shallow, Page, and Slender exit.
115Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a
de sot of us, ha, ha?
1370This is well! He has made us his vloutingstog.
I desire you that we may be friends, and let
us knog our prains together to be revenge on this
120same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of
the Garter.
1375By gar, with all my heart. He promise
to bring me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive
me too.
125Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you,
follow.
1380Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader. Whether had you rather—lead mine eyes,
or eye your master’s heels?
5I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
1385than follow him like a dwarf.
O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see
you’ll be a courtier.
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
10Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at
1390home?
Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company. I think if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.
15Be sure of that—two other husbands.
1395Where had you this pretty weathercock?
I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of.—What do you call your
knight’s name, sirrah?
20Sir John Falstaff.
1400Sir John Falstaff!
He, he. I can never hit on ’s name.
There is such a league between my goodman and
he. Is your wife at home indeed?
25Indeed, she is.
1405By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see
her.
Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath
he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use
30of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
1410mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination.
He gives her folly motion and advantage. And now
she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her.
35A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
1415Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots they are laid,
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming
40Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure
1420and willful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings
all my neighbors shall cry aim. A clock
strikes. The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance
bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I
45shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it
1425is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there. I will go.
Well met, Master Ford.
Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at
50home, and I pray you all go with me.
1430I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for more money than I’ll speak of.
55We have lingered about a match between
1435Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
I hope I have your good will, Father Page.
You have, Master Slender. I stand wholly for
60you.—But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you
1440altogether.
Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me! My
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
What say you to young Master Fenton?
65He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he
1445writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April
and May. He will carry ’t, he will carry ’t. ’Tis in his
buttons he will carry ’t.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
70is of no having. He kept company with the
1450wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high a region;
he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in
his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he
take her, let him take her simply. The wealth I have
75waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that
1455way.
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall
have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor,
80you shall go.—So shall you, Master Page.—
1460And you, Sir Hugh.
Well, fare you well. We shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page’s.
Go home, John Rugby. I come anon.
Rugby exits.
85Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight
1465Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first
with him; I’ll make him dance.—Will you go,
gentles?
90Have with you to
1470see this monster.
What, John! What, Robert!
Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—
I warrant.—What, Robert, I say!
Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket.Come, come, come.
51475Here, set it down.
Give your men the charge. We must be
brief.
Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse,
101480and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and
without any pause or staggering take this basket
on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all
haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet
Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close
151485by the Thames side.
You will do it?
I ha’ told them over and over. They lack
no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are
called.
201490Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin.
How now, my eyas-musket? What news
with you?
My master, Sir John, is come in at your back
door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
251495You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been
true to us?
Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears
301500he’ll turn me away.
Thou ’rt a good boy. This secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me.
Do so.—Go tell thy master I am alone.
351505(Robin exits.) Mistress Page, remember you your
cue.
I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss
me.
Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome
401510humidity, this gross-wat’ry pumpion. We’ll
teach him to know turtles from jays.
“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?”
Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough.
This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessèd
451515hour!
O, sweet Sir John!
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best
501520lord: I would make thee my lady.
I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be
a pitiful lady.
Let the court of France show me such
another. I see how thine eye would emulate the
551525diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the
brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant,
or any tire of Venetian admittance.
A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither.
601530Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst
make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of
thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait
in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert,
if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.
651535Come, thou canst not hide it.
Believe me, there’s no such thing in
me.
What made me love thee? Let that persuade
thee. There’s something extraordinary in thee.
701540Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that
like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that
come like women in men’s apparel and smell like
Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love
thee, none but thee; and thou deserv’st it.
751545Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love
Mistress Page.
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by
the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.
801550Well, heaven knows how I love you,
and you shall one day find it.
Keep in that mind. I’ll deserve it.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else
I could not be in that mind.
851555Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress
Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you
presently.
She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind
901560the arras.
Pray you, do so. She’s a very tattling
woman.Falstaff stands behind the arras.
Enter Mistress Page.
What’s the matter? How now?
O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
951565You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone
forever!
What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such
1001570cause of suspicion!
What cause of suspicion?
What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!
How am I mistook in you!
Why, alas, what’s the matter?
1051575Your husband’s coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by
your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence.
You are undone.
1101580’Tis not so, I hope.
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to
search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If
1151585you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if
you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be
not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend
your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life
forever.
1201590What shall I do? There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand
pound he were out of the house.
For shame! Never stand “you had
1251595rather” and “you had rather.” Your husband’s here
at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the
house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived
me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any
reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
1301600throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to
bucking. Or—it is whiting time—send him by your
two men to Datchet Mead.
He’s too big to go in there. What shall I
do?
1351605Let me see ’t, let me see ’t! O, let me see ’t! I’ll
in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.
What, Sir John Falstaff? (Aside to
him.) Are these your letters, knight?
I love thee. Help me
1401610away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never—
Help to cover your master,
boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford.—You dissembling
knight!
What, John! Robert! John!
Enter Robert and John.
1451615Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the
cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come.
Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me. Then let me be your
1501620jest; I deserve it.—How now? Whither bear you
this?
To the laundress, forsooth.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!
1551625Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck.
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck,
and of the season too, it shall appear.
Robert and John exit with the buck-basket.
Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my
1601630chambers. Search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll
unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. (He
locks the door.) So, now uncape.
Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong
yourself too much.
1651635True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen. You shall
see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.
This is fery fantastical humors and
jealousies.
By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France. It is
1701640not jealous in France.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his
search.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
I know not which pleases me better—
1751645that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
What a taking was he in when your
husband asked who was in the basket!
I am half afraid he will have need of
washing, so throwing him into the water will do
1801650him a benefit.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress.
I think my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw
1851655him so gross in his jealousy till now.
I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress
1901660Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water, and give him another hope, to betray
him to another punishment?
We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow
eight o’clock to have amends.
1951665I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of
that he could not compass.
Heard you
that?
You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
2001670Ay, I do so.
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
Amen!
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master
2051675Ford.
Ay, ay. I must bear it.
If there be anypody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
2101680Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies.
Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.
2151685’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.
You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is
as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
2201690Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come,
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will
hereafter make known to you why I have done
this.—Come, wife—come, Mistress Page, I pray
you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me.
2251695Let’s go in, gentlemen.
But, trust me, we’ll mock him. (To Ford, Caius,
and Sir Hugh.) I do invite you tomorrow morning
to my house to breakfast. After, we’ll a-birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be
2301700so?
Anything.
If there is one, I shall make two in the
company.
If there be one or two, I shall make-a the
2351705turd.
Pray you, go, Master Page.
Ford and Page exit.
I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on
the lousy knave mine Host.
Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.
2401710A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his
mockeries!
I see I cannot get thy father’s love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Alas, how then?
1715Why, thou must be thyself.
5He doth object I am too great of birth,
And that, my state being galled with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth.
Besides these, other bars he lays before me—
1720My riots past, my wild societies—
10And tells me ’tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.
Maybe he tells you true.
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
1725Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth
15Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne,
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealèd bags.
And ’tis the very riches of thyself
1730That now I aim at.
20Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father’s love, still seek it, sir.
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then—hark you hither.
1735Break their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman
25shall speak for himself.
I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on ’t. ’Slid, ’tis but
venturing.
Be not dismayed.
1740No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for
30that, but that I am afeard.
Hark ye, Master Slender
would speak a word with you.
I come to him. (Aside.) This is my father’s choice.
1745O, what a world of vile ill-favored faults
35Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
And how does good Master Fenton?
Pray you, a word with you.
She’s coming. To her, coz! O
1750boy, thou hadst a father!
40I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can
tell you good jests of him.—Pray you, uncle, tell
Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.
1755Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
45Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Ay, that I will, come cut and longtail, under
1760the degree of a squire.
50He will make you a hundred and fifty
pounds jointure.
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Marry, I thank you for it. I thank you for that
1765good comfort.—She calls you, coz. I’ll leave you.
55Now, Master Slender.
Now, good Mistress Anne.
What is your will?
My will? ’Od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jest
1770indeed! I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I
60am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
I mean, Master Slender, what would you with
me?
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
1775nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath
65made motions. If it be my luck, so; if not, happy
man be his dole. They can tell you how things go
better than I can. You may ask your father.
Enter Page and Mistress Page.
Here he comes.
1780Now, Master Slender.—Love him, daughter Anne.—
70Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
1785Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
75She is no match for you.
Sir, will you hear me?
No, good Master Fenton.—
Come Master Shallow.—Come, son Slender, in.—
1790Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
80Speak to Mistress Page.
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
1795I must advance the colors of my love
85And not retire. Let me have your good will.
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
That’s my master, Master Doctor.
1800Alas, I had rather be set quick i’ th’ earth
90And bowled to death with turnips!
Come, trouble not yourself.—Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy.
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
1805And as I find her, so am I affected.
95Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry.
Farewell, gentle mistress.—Farewell, Nan.
This is my doing now. “Nay,” said I,
1810“will you cast away your child on a fool and a
100physician? Look on Master Fenton.” This is my
doing.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight
Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s for thy pains.
1815Now heaven send thee good fortune.
Fenton exits.
105A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
would my master had Mistress Anne, or I would
Master Slender had her, or, in sooth, I would Master
1820Fenton had her. I will do what I can for them all
110three; for so I have promised and I’ll be as good as
my word—but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!
1825Bardolph, I say!
Enter Bardolph.Here, sir.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t.
Bardolph exits.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
5of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
1830Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my
brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year’s gift. ’Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
10they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,
1835fifteen i’ th’ litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
15shallow—a death that I abhor, for the water swells
1840a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
20you.
1845Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He
drinks. Call her in.
25Come in, woman.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
1850By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.
Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.
30With eggs, sir?
1855Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet sperm in my
brewage.Bardolph exits.
How now?
Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
35from Mistress Ford.
1860Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.
Alas the day, good heart, that was
40not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
1865they mistook their erection.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman’s promise.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it
45would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes
1870this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I
warrant you.
50Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
1875think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
I will tell her.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?
55Eight and nine, sir.
1880Well, be gone. I will not miss her.
Peace be with you, sir.
Mistress Quickly exits.
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.
Enter Ford disguised as Brook.
60O, here he comes.
1885God bless you, sir.
Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.
That indeed, Sir John, is my
65business.
1890Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
And sped you, sir?
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
70How so, sir? Did she change her
1895determination?
No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
75our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
1900protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
80his wife’s love.
1905What, while you were there?
While I was there.
And did he search for you and could
not find you?
85You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
1910comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford’s approach, and, in her invention and Ford’s
wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
90A buck-basket!
1915By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
95ever offended nostril.
1920And how long lay you there?
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
100of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by
1925their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
105had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
1930knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
110I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
1935an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
115a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
1940in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney—think of that—that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in
120the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
1945in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that—hissing
hot—think of that, Master Brook.
125In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
1950for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
130thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
1955I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
’Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
’Tis past eight already, sir.
135Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
1960Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
140Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
1965Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen
145and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
1970what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot ’scape me. ’Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
150guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
1975places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st
1980thou?
Sure he is by this, or will be presently.
But truly he is very courageous mad about
5his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires
you to come suddenly.
1985I’ll be with her by and by. I’ll but bring
my young man here to school.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Look where his master comes. ’Tis a playing day, I
10see.—How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?
No. Master Slender is let the boys leave to
1990play.
Blessing of his heart!
Sir Hugh, my husband says my son
15profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you,
ask him some questions in his accidence.
1995Come hither, William. Hold up your head.
Come.
Come on, sirrah. Hold up your head.
20Answer your master. Be not afraid.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
2000Two.
Truly, I thought there had been one
number more, because they say “ ’Od’s nouns.”
25Peace your tattlings!—What is “fair,”
William?
2005Pulcher.
Polecats? There are fairer things
than polecats, sure.
30You are a very simplicity ’oman. I pray you,
peace.—What is lapis, William?
2010A stone.
And what is “a stone,” William?
A pebble.
35No. It is lapis. I pray you, remember in your
prain.
2015Lapis.
That is a good William. What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
40Articles are borrowed of the pronoun and be
thus declined: singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec,
2020hoc.
Nominativo, hig, haeg, hog. Pray you, mark:
genitivo, huius. Well, what is your accusative case?
45Accusativo, hinc.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child.
2025Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.
“Hang-hog” is Latin for bacon, I
warrant you.
50Leave your prabbles, ’oman.—What is the
focative case, William?
2030O—vocativo—O—
Remember, William, focative is caret.
And that’s a good root.
55’Oman, forbear.
Peace!
2035What is your genitive case plural, William?
Genitive case?
Ay.
60Genitive: horum, harum, horum.
Vengeance of Ginny’s case! Fie on
2040her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore.
For shame, ’oman!
You do ill to teach the child such
65words.—He teaches him to hick and to hack,
which they’ll do fast enough of themselves, and to
2045call “whorum.”—Fie upon you!
’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings
for thy cases and the numbers of the
70genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as
I would desires.
2050Prithee, hold thy
peace.
Show me now, William, some declensions of
75your pronouns.
Forsooth, I have forgot.
2055It is qui, quae, quod. If you forget your ’s,
your ’s, and your ’s, you must be
preeches. Go your ways and play, go.
80He is a better scholar than I thought he
was.
2060He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress
Page.
Adieu, good Sir Hugh.—Get you home,
85boy. (To Mistress Quickly.) Come. We stay too
long.
2065Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
5but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
2070of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!
10Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.
Falstaff exits.Enter Mistress Page.
2075How now, sweetheart, who’s at home
besides yourself?
Why, none but mine own people.
Indeed?
15No, certainly. Aside to her. Speak
2080louder.
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
Why?
20Why, woman, your husband is in his
2085old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
25“Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet
2090beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
Why, does he talk of him?
30Of none but him, and swears he was
2095carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
35his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
2100Now he shall see his own foolery.
How near is he, Mistress Page?
Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.
40I am undone! The knight is here.
2105Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.
45Which way should he go? How should
2110I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?
No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
50Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers
2115watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the
55chimney.
2120There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.
Creep into the kiln-hole.
Where is it?
60He will seek there, on my word. Neither
2125press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.
65I’ll go out, then.
2130If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
How might we disguise him?
Alas the day, I know not. There is no
70woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he
2135might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.
75My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of
2140Brentford, has a gown above.
On my word, it will serve him. She’s as
big as he is. And there’s her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
80Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
2145and I will look some linen for your head.
Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
I would my husband would meet him
85in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
2150Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
90But is my husband coming?
2155Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men
95to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
2160with it as they did last time.
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
I’ll first direct my men what they shall
100do with the basket. Go up. I’ll bring linen for him
2165straight.
Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
105Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
2170We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
110you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
2175Come, come, take it up.
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
They pick up the basket.Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, Sir Hugh
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
115any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
2180basket, villain. They put the basket down. Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
120shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
2185Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
125Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
2190dog.
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
So say I too, sir.
Enter Mistress Ford.
Come hither, Mistress Ford.—Mistress Ford, the
130honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
2195that hath the jealous fool to her husband!—I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
135Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.—Come
2200forth, sirrah.
This passes.
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.
140I shall find you anon.
2205’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come, away.
Empty the basket, I say.
Why, man, why?
145Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
2210out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
150If you find a man there, he shall die a
2215flea’s death.
Here’s no man.
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.
155Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
2220the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
160Help to search my house this one time. If I find
2225not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once
165more. Once more search with me.
2230What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.
“Old woman”? What old woman’s that?
170Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
2235A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what’s brought to pass under the profession of
175fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
2240th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.— Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen,
180let him not strike the old woman.
2245Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.
I’ll pratt her. (He beats Falstaff.) Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
185you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
2250fortune-tell you!
Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.
Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit
190for you.
2255Hang her, witch!
By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
195Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
2260See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
Let’s obey his humor a little further. Come,
200gentlemen.
2265Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Nay, by th’ Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
205o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
2270What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
210scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
2275simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
215Yes, by all means—if it be but to scrape
2280the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
220I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
2285shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of
2290your horses. The Duke himself will be tomorrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
What duke should that be comes so secretly? I
5hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the
gentlemen. They speak English?
2295Ay, sir. I’ll call them to you.
They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them
pay. I’ll sauce them. They have had my house a
10week at command; I have turned away my other
guests. They must come off. I’ll sauce them. Come.
2300’Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman as
ever I did look upon.
And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?
5Within a quarter of an hour.
2305Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.
I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honor
stand,
10In him that was of late an heretic,
2310As firm as faith.
’Tis well, ’tis well. No more.
Be not as extreme in submission as in offense.
But let our plot go forward. Let our wives
15Yet once again, to make us public sport,
2315Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
How, to send him word they’ll meet him in the
20park at midnight? Fie, fie, he’ll never come.
2320You say he has been thrown in the rivers
and has been grievously peaten as an old ’oman.
Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he
should not come. Methinks his flesh is punished;
25he shall have no desires.
2325So think I too.
Devise but how you’ll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
There is an old tale goes that Herne the Hunter,
30Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,
2330Doth all the wintertime, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragged horns,
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a
35chain
2335In a most hideous and dreadful manner.
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed eld
Received and did deliver to our age
40This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth.
2340Why, yet there want not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s oak.
But what of this?
Marry, this is our device,
45That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
2345Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come.
And in this shape when you have brought him
thither,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
50That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
2350Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth we’ll dress
Like urchins, aufs, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads
55And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,
2355As Falstaff, she, and I are newly met,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
With some diffusèd song. Upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly.
60Then let them all encircle him about,
2360And, fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape profane.
65And till he tell the truth,
2365Let the supposèd fairies pinch him sound
And burn him with their tapers.
The truth being known,
We’ll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
70And mock him home to Windsor.
2370The children must
Be practiced well to this, or they’ll ne’er do ’t.
I will teach the children their behaviors, and
I will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight
75with my taber.
2375That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizards.
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attirèd in a robe of white.
That silk will I go buy. (Aside.) And in that time
80Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
2380And marry her at Eton.—Go, send to Falstaff
straight.
Nay, I’ll to him again in name of Brook.
He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure he’ll come.
85Fear not you that. Go get us properties
2385And tricking for our fairies.
Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and
fery honest knaveries.
Go, Mistress Ford,
90Send quickly to Sir John to know his mind.
Mistress Ford exits.
2390I’ll to the doctor. He hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well-landed, is an idiot,
And he my husband best of all affects.
95The doctor is well-moneyed, and his friends
2395Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
2400Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
5from Master Slender.
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
2405knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
10unto thee. Knock, I say.
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.
2410Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
15I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
How now, mine Host?
2415Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
20down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
2420even now with me, but she’s gone.
25Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?
2425My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
30seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.
I spake with the old woman about it.
2430And what says she, I pray, sir?
35Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
I would I could have spoken with the woman
2435herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
40too from him.
What are they? Let us know.
Ay, come. Quick!
I may not conceal them, sir.
2440Conceal them, or thou diest.
45Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no.
’Tis; ’tis his fortune.
2445What, sir?
50To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
2450I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
55glad with these tidings.
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
2455taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
60my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!
2460Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
65varletto.
Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
2465spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
70Doctor Faustuses.
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
Where is mine Host?
2470What is the matter, sir?
75Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
2475of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
80you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well.
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
2480Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
85dilemma.
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
2485is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
90Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone.
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
2490have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
95come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
2495with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
100fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
2500Now, whence come you?
105From the two parties, forsooth.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
2505inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
110bear.
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
2510see a white spot about her.
115What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
2515my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
120me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
2520to your content. Here is a letter will say
125somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
2525Come up into my chamber.
They exit.
Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is
heavy. I will give over all.
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
52530A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the
least, keep your counsel.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,
102535Who mutually hath answered my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at,
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter
152540That neither singly can be manifested
Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene; the image of the jest
I’ll show you here at large. He shows the Host a
paper. Hark, good mine Host:
202545Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen—
The purpose why is here—in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
252550Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
302555While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the dean’ry, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
352560Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended
The better to denote her to the doctor—
402565For they must all be masked and vizarded—
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribbons pendent flaring ’bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token
452570The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
Both, my good Host, to go along with me.
And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church ’twixt twelve and one,
502575And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Well, husband your device. I’ll to the vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
552580Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.
Prithee, no more prattling. Go. I’ll hold. This
is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.
Away, go. They say there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.
52585Away.
I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do
what I can to get you a pair of horns.
Away, I say! Time wears. Hold up your head,
and mince.Mistress Quickly exits.
Enter Ford disguised as Brook.
102590How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the
matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in
the park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you
shall see wonders.
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as
152595you told me you had appointed?
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see,
like a poor old man, but I came from her, Master
Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave
Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of
202600jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed
frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously,
in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man,
Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s
beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in
252605haste. Go along with me; I’ll tell you all, Master
Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and
whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten
till lately. Follow me. I’ll tell you strange things of
this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged,
302610and I will deliver his wife into your hand.
Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook!
Follow.
Come, come. We’ll couch i’ th’ castle ditch till we
see the light of our fairies.—Remember, son Slender,
2615my—
Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we
5have a nayword how to know one another. I come
to her in white and cry “mum,” she cries “budget,”
and by that we know one another.
2620That’s good too. But what needs either your
“mum” or her “budget”? The white will decipher
10her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock.
The night is dark. Light and spirits will become
it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means
2625evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his
horns. Let’s away. Follow me.
Master Doctor, my daughter is in
green. When you see your time, take her by the
hand; away with her to the deanery, and dispatch
2630it quickly. Go before into the park. We two must go
5together.
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
Fare you well, sir.Caius exits.
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse
2635of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor’s marrying
10my daughter. But ’tis no matter. Better a little chiding
than a great deal of heartbreak.
Where is Nan now, and her troop of
fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh?
2640They are all couched in a pit hard by
15Herne’s oak, with obscured lights, which, at the
very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will
at once display to the night.
That cannot choose but amaze him.
2645If he be not amazed, he will be
20mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be
mocked.
We’ll betray him finely.
Against such lewdsters and their lechery,
2650Those that betray them do no treachery.
25The hour draws on. To the oak, to the
oak!
Trib, trib, fairies! Come, and remember
your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the
2655pit, and when I give the watch-’ords, do as I pid
you. Come, come; trib, trib.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve. The
minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy
2660Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love,
5that in some respects makes a beast a man, in
some other a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter,
a swan for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love,
how near the god drew to the complexion of a
2665goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O
10Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the
semblance of a fowl; think on ’t, Jove, a foul fault.
When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men
do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest,
2670I think, i’ th’ forest. Send me a cool rut-time,
15Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?
Enter Mistress Page and Mistress Ford.
Who comes here? My doe?
Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my
male deer?
2675My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
20potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of “Greensleeves,”
hail kissing-comfits, and snow eryngoes; let there
come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me
here.
2680Mistress Page is come with me,
25sweetheart.
Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch.
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for
the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath
2685your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like
30Herne the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of
conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true
spirit, welcome.
Alas, what noise?
2690Heaven forgive our sins!
35What should this be?
Away, away.
The two women run off.
I think the devil will not have me damned,
lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire. He
2695would never else cross me thus.
40Fairies black, gray, green, and white,
You moonshine revelers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
2700Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
45Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys!—
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths
unswept.
2705There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.
50Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
They are fairies. He that speaks to them shall die.
I’ll wink and couch. No man their works must eye.
Where’s Bead? Go you, and where you find a maid
2710That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,
55Raise up the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy.
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and
2715shins.
60About, about!
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, aufs, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
2720In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit,
65Worthy the owner, and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower.
Each fair installment, coat, and sev’ral crest
2725With loyal blazon evermore be blest!
70And nightly, meadow fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring.
Th’ expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
2730And Honi soit qui mal y pense write
75In em’rald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white,
Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee.
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
2735Away, disperse! But till ’tis one o’clock,
80Our dance of custom round about the oak
Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.
Pray you, lock hand in hand. Yourselves in order set;
And twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be,
2740To guide our measure round about the tree.
85But stay! I smell a man of Middle Earth.
Heavens defend me from that Welsh
fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese.
Vile worm, thou wast o’erlooked even in thy birth.
2745With trial-fire touch me his finger-end.
90If he be chaste, the flame will back descend
And turn him to no pain. But if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
A trial, come!
2750Come, will this wood take fire?
Sir Hugh puts a taper to Falstaff’s finger, and he starts.95O, O, O!
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
About him, fairies. Sing a scornful rhyme,
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
2755Fie on sinful fantasy!
100Fie on lust and luxury!
Lust is but a bloody fire
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart whose flames aspire
2760As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
105Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villainy.
Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.
2765Nay, do not fly. I think we have watched you now.
110Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn?
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.—
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
She points to the horns.
See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes
2770Become the forest better than the town?
115Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now?
Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly
knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And,
Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s
2775but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty
120pounds of money, which must be paid to Master
Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master
Brook.
Sir John, we have had ill luck. We
2780could never meet. I will never take you for my love
125again, but I will always count you my deer.
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are extant.
And these are not fairies. I was three or four
2785times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet
130the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of
my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into
a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all
rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now
2790how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis upon
135ill employment.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Well said, Fairy Hugh.
2795And leave you your jealousies too, I pray
140you.
I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art
able to woo her in good English.
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it,
2800that it wants matter to prevent so gross o’erreaching
145as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too?
Shall I have a coxcomb of frieze? ’Tis time I were
choked with a piece of toasted cheese.
Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is
2805all putter.
150“Seese” and “putter”? Have I lived to stand at
the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
This is enough to be the decay of lust and late
walking through the realm.
2810Why, Sir John, do you think though we
155would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the
head and shoulders, and have given ourselves
without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could
have made you our delight?
2815What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?
160A puffed man?
Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails?
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
And as poor as Job?
2820And as wicked as his wife?
165And given to fornications, and to taverns,
and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings and starings, pribbles and
prabbles?
2825Well, I am your theme. You have the start of
170me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the
Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er
me. Use me as you will.
Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor to one
2830Master Brook, that you have cozened of money,
175to whom you should have been a pander. Over and
above that you have suffered, I think to repay that
money will be a biting affliction.
Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset
2835tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to
180laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her
Master Slender hath married her daughter.
Doctors doubt that. If Anne
Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius’
2840wife.
185Whoa, ho, ho, Father Page!
Son, how now! How now, son! Have you
dispatched?
“Dispatched”? I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire
2845know on ’t. Would I were hanged, la, else!
190Of what, son?
I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress
Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly boy. If it had
not been i’ th’ church, I would have swinged him,
2850or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it
195had been Anne Page, would I might never stir! And
’tis a post-master’s boy.
Upon my life, then, you took the wrong—
What need you tell me that? I think so, when
2855I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him,
200for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not
have had him.
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you
how you should know my daughter by her
2860garments?
205I went to her in white, and cried “mum,”
and she cried “budget,” as Anne and I had appointed,
and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master’s
boy.
2865Good George, be not angry. I knew of
210your purpose, turned my daughter into green,
and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery,
and there married.
Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened!
2870I ha’ married un garçon, a boy; un paysan, by
215gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am
cozened.
Why? Did you take her in green?
Ay, be gar, and ’tis a boy. Be gar, I’ll raise
2875all Windsor.
220This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?
Enter Fenton and Anne Page.
My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.—
How now, Master Fenton!
Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.
2880Now, mistress, how chance you went not with
225Master Slender?
Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?
You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
2885Where there was no proportion held in love.
230The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
Th’ offense is holy that she hath committed,
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
2890Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
235Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursèd hours
Which forcèd marriage would have brought upon her.
Stand not amazed. Here is no remedy.
2895In love the heavens themselves do guide the state.
240Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
I am glad, though you have ta’en a special
stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath
glanced.
2900Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy.
245What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.
Well, I will muse no further.—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days.—
2905Good husband, let us every one go home
250And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire—
Sir John and all.
Let it be so, Sir John.
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word,
2910For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.